Dear Concerned Reader,
I feel the need to explain something that I have not yet explained to you.
We have a problem here in Mantes.
A big problem.
Pigeons are taking over the city.
They’re in the train station. They’re in the Church. They’re all over our apartment building. You can hardly walk outside without getting pooped on. They’re everywhere. Little, dirty savages. The sparrows are on our side but they’re not strong enough to take on the pigeons. Especially when the pigeons breed like rats. They just had babies.
There’s one pigeon in particular. He’s all white and he sits at the top of our apartment building. All the other pigeons fly around him as if he were the sun and he held some sort of gravitational pull over them. They worship him. He is LORDPIGEON. He is evil. He has two demi-gods who are half white, half grey. They do most of the dirty work. They’re the ones who watch over the grunt-pigeons.
One day we went contacting downtown. We were minding our own business, talking to people, when the all of the sudden the white pigeon swooped down in front of us. He gave us the stink eye but we didn’t let that get in our way from doing our work. But you can see how this is starting to become a problem. He’s getting stronger by the day.
Finally, last Friday evening, we returned to our apartment, thinking that everything was normal. Until we found a feather on the floor. We searched the apartment. Suddenly, from behind one of the chairs, a pigeon flew at us and then headed toward the window. But the window was mostly closed and so he hit his head and fell to the ground. Then he did it again. And again. And one last time before he finally found the narrow opening that he must have had come in through.
He left presents on the floor.
I’m writing this letter in hopes of getting help. I have not yet seen a pigeon infestation of this kind and I fear that if we wait any longer to act, it will be too late. Indeed, I am convinced that the pigeons intend to take over all of Mantes, then Paris, then France. Europe. Then the world. Global Warming. (It’s a conspiracy. Something about hotdogs).
We don’t have much time to act.
I’ll await your response.
With all due respect,
P.S. We already tried feeding them rice. It didn’t work.